Have you ever wondered and ask yourself: why do i attract narcissists? Well, today we are talking all about why you attract narcissists and how to change that.
Why Do I Attract Narcissists? Here Is Why!
why do i attract narcissists you may ask, here is why:
You attract narcissists because there are no coincidences.
It’s possible that you got into a relationship with a narcissist because you found them attractive and charming—especially if they’re a grandiose narcissist. We can all be duped by a charismatic and deceptive person. Something else is going on if you constantly getting into relationships with narcissists.
It’s not an accident. Something inside of you is causing this behavior. It’s possible that you’re repeating patterns from the past or that you’re attempting to satisfy a need, however self-destructive. If you find yourself returning to the same place over and over, there’s something in you that’s causing you to do so.
Narcissists make you feel good (most of the times)
While a narcissist may constantly criticize you in private, they will gladly brag about your accomplishments in public. “Narcissists see their spouses as extensions of themselves,” Dorfman says, “someone who will reflect brightly and admirably on them.”
“As a result, a narcissist may be drawn to someone who exhibits qualities that they value and believe would help them improve their image.” People hope that if you look nice to them, it will make them look good as well. It all comes down to their drive to control you, to make sure you’re constantly at your best, even if it means sacrificing your mental health.
You went through narcissistic abuse as a child.
Many persons who attract narcissistic spouses as adults have been abused as children by narcissists. When our parent or parents educate us that the world works in a specific manner, it shapes our perceptions of ourselves and others.
It’s understandable that you would choose a partner who reinforces what you have learned to be “true” if your narcissistic parent taught you, through their words, actions, and values, that you needed to act in a certain way to gain their love and attention, and that you deserved to be ridiculed and manipulated.
Narcissist behaviour seems normal
Perhaps you grew up with narcissistic parents or other caretakers. They didn’t feel sorry for you and didn’t understand what you were going through. They may have mistreated you emotionally, physically, or sexually.
Perhaps they were an alcoholic, or perhaps they suffered from depression or another mental condition. Or maybe they simply didn’t have time for you. This is the way you’ve always done things.
You have low self-esteem.
If your self-esteem has been harmed, whether as a result of your upbringing, previous relationships, or other life events, you may be drawn to a narcissist who continues to dismiss your opinions and participates in other behaviors that signal to you that you aren’t good enough just the way you are.
Low self-esteem might also lead you to appreciate having a partner who, on the surface at least, appears to have far more confidence than you and can involve you in activities you couldn’t have done alone.
Everyone battles with self-esteem difficulties, but narcissists, regrettably, prefer to take advantage of their “self-assured” nature.
“Women who are battling with their own self-esteem issues, including a history of abuse, trauma, bullying, or identity issues,” certified trauma therapist Támara Hill tells mbg, “tend to attract narcissists.
” Narcissists often appear to be rushing to your rescue, eager to lift you up, and they frequently love-bomb you at the outset of a relationship. Narcissists, on the other hand, utilize your insecurities to boost their ego and keep you under their control.
You give up your own needs.
Do you find yourself in relationships where you give and give without ever considering what you want in return? Narcissists put themselves first, thus anyone who helps them do so, whether deliberately or unknowingly, is a target.
“A person may overcompensate by ignoring, not admitting, or rejecting one’s own needs in order to avoid being viewed as ‘needy,'” adds Dorfman. “As a result, a partner who sees himself as unselfish and without emotional demands can devote all of his or her attention to the other.”
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You have very codependent tendencies.
Do you get your sense of self-identity from looking after others?
If you’re a people-pleaser who enjoys being indispensable and is content to let your significant other participate in a variety of harmful or undesirable behaviors, you might find that you’re drawn to narcissists as well.
Narcissistic people will be able to find partners who will allow them to be dominating, act improperly, and be the center of attention. They will consider you as their ideal spouse if you can love a narcissist while entirely ignoring your own wants.
You feel that your feelings and needs don’t really matter
As a result, you will sacrifice your wants and repress your emotions in order to please others and make them happy.
You always put others first, and it’s tough or impossible for you to say no when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. You could not even know what you want because you were taught as a child that wanting anything was immoral.
You’re very naïve.
In their relationships, narcissists engage in a variety of emotionally manipulative behaviors. If you’re not this type of person and are more naive, you can get pulled into relationships with narcissists because you don’t have the ability to recognize what they’re up to in the beginning.
People with autistic spectrum disorder (ASD), who have trouble understanding underlying motives and manipulation, may be lured to narcissists because they can’t read between the lines in relationships.
You grew up/still have a narcissistic parent.
Breaking a cycle is easier said than done unfortunately. If you have a narcissistic parent, Dorfman says you may seek a partner out, subconsciously or not, who possesses similar traits. “Our emotional minds seek familiarity and are compelled to repeat relationship patterns,” she elaborates. “While not romantic per se, parents symbolize our first love experiences. As a result, we are likely to replicate these experienced patterns or dynamics in our adult romantic relationships.”
Even if you didn’t have a narcissistic parent, you might have had a toxic family member or a narcissistic ex who had a comparable impact on you. Familiarity is comforting, whether in a good or terrible situation, and it is frequently invited in.
You have People pleasing behaviour
Getting your self-worth by constantly trying to please other people involves giving your power away. But, when you do this with a narcissist, you will never be able to please them. They constantly change their mind and raise the bar about what they want – to keep you trying harder and harder and making you feel more of a failure.
You are an empathic person.
Empathy is the ability to relate to and feel other people’s emotions. While being empathetic is an amazing characteristic to possess, be aware of whose needs and desires you’re tuning into. Empaths are drawn to narcissists, and narcissists love taking advantage: “Since narcissists rely on exclusive focus and attention, an empathic person would naturally appeal to them,” explains Dorfman. Meanwhile, “the emotionally attuned person is likely to experience gratification or receive positive feedback for their unique emotional accuracy, thus perpetuating the dynamic.”
Actually, you Needing other people’s approval
Initially, narcissists can make you feel like you have met your soul mate as they give you so much positive attention and approval. As soon as they know they have got you hooked, they start criticising, judging and doing all they can to make you feel worthless. Someone needing approval then tries harder and harder to get their approval.
You feel you are unlovable/or worthless
Having this belief will cause you to not be attracted to and reject anyone who loves and cares for you. You don’t think you deserve to be loved so you settle for poor treatment from others.
You can find self-love and self-worth inside yourself when you overcome your past traumas and limiting beliefs, and you won’t have to give your power away attempting to acquire love and self-worth from others.
You may look after yourself and put yourself first, as well as say no to others when necessary. You don’t need other people’s approval anymore, so you may be yourself and speak your mind.
Low self-worth and people pleasing behaviour isn’t attractive to a potential partner unless they are a narcissist. When you can feel self-worth and self-love you are no longer attracted to controlling and abusive narcissistic behaviour. You start to attract caring and supportive people into your life.
Here is How to stop attracting narcissists:
There’s nothing wrong with being an empathetic, giving person—but it’s important to make sure these kind qualities within you aren’t taken advantage of. Do this by being firm about your boundaries: what behavior you will and will not accept, what you’re willing to give, and what you refuse to do no matter what the other person says.
Narcissists do not understand boundaries and will try to push through yours when possible. “If an individual ignores, repeatedly crosses, or is unresponsive to your efforts to enforce boundaries, strongly reconsider continuing the relationship,” says Dorfman. She has seen this include intrusive questioning, disrespect for your time and space, and an inability to adhere to your delineation of boundaries. By setting your strong and uncompromising boundaries, you’re telling narcissists to back off.
2. Work on gaining rock-solid confidence.
And get rid of anyone who makes you feel inferior. Narcissists adore people who don’t believe in themselves or let their fears get the best of them, thus developing a strong sense of self-worth is one of the best strategies to avoid attracting narcissists. Developing confidence and self-love is a lifelong process, but once you start reminding yourself of what you deserve—and projecting that confidence outward—narcissists will notice you’re not easily misled and hence not a good target for them to prey on.
3. Home in on a person’s values.
A person’s values indicate a lot about who they are. “Focus on their beliefs and morals, then hunt for empirical data to back up their so-called principles,” Hill suggests. “One attribute that a narcissist cannot emulate is empathy. We can usually detect whether or not someone is genuinely connected.”
If only what you saw was really what you always got. In the case of narcissists, their personalities will fluctuate dramatically depending on the situation they’re in. A narcissist’s public and private selves are more extreme in presentation—particularly in their treatment of a partner. If an individual is consistently respectful and charming in public, and consistently abusive and demeaning in private, it is likely to be a narcissistic red flag,” says Dorfman. While it’s easy to brush off red flags, especially when a person comes off so well to others, trust your gut and take action when they appear. A healthy relationship won’t feel like something is off—believe yourself that there is.
5. Stay away from anyone who tries to control your behavior.
Run away if you detect someone imposing their opinions on you and getting angry when you don’t listen. Dorfman notes that narcissistic traits include everything from criticizing your appearance to continually seeking to control your conduct or attempting to mold you into a mold of them. Instead than trying to make all of your decisions for you, the appropriate partner will accept you for who you are.
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